The League of Impractically Perfect Characters
by Storyteller1990
Summary: A long-gestating follow-up to "My Immortal." Ebony escapes Hell, only to find herself in 2018 with two odd men: Garfield and John Freeman. She must put up with them while trying to track down her beloved Draco Malfoy. Not only does this pull from "My Immortal," but it uses ShakespeareHemmingway and squirrelking, and a few others you will meet along the way.
1. Chapter 1

The fires of Hell raged, bringing forth imps and demons to torture anyone who earned a place here. These included the usually suspected crowd: Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Benito Mussolini, Jim Jones, Kim Jong Il, Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Cardinal Bernard Law, Charles Manson, and so on. A few no names were included in the lot, like the abusive father or the pedophile from next door in a neighborhood mostly occupied by Mormons or Catholics. But there was one person who was here simply because she did nothing but cause the people around her misery, anger, and controversy: her name was Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. At least, that was what she called herself. No one knew what her real name was, nor did they understand why the apostrophe had to be in the word "Darkness," let alone specifically placed between the "K" and "N." Every time that question was asked of her, she would respond either by yelling or giving them a rather rude gesture.  
A part of being in Hell was experiencing one's worst fear or moment in life over and over again. Each person had their own: death, loss of a loved one, disfigurement. There was no shortage of items for this type of torture. For Ebony, it was finding herself in a bright pink polo shirt with a seagull on it, a denim miniskirt that looked destroyed, and leggings with a little moose at the bottom. At her shoulder was a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said "Live Your Life" on every part. Prep clothing: a big no-no in Ebony's book. She repeatedly took off the polo only to find another one of the same kind underneath. This was what she had been going through for thousands of years.  
"I fuking hate prep clothing!" she screamed.  
Ebony always considered herself Gothic (or, as she often pronounced it "goffick"), and therefore detested and despised what she viewed as "prep clothing," or clothes worn by people who didn't partake in the Gothic lifestyle. It was also her belief that she was a vampire, and all vampires had to wear the same type of Gothic clothing. But she was in Hell now, and this was what she had to suffer for all eternity. Her, and her ever-growing pile of pink polo shirts.

Back on Earth, the citizens of Los Angeles, California ran away from a battle, seeking protection from the onslaught. But they knew they wouldn't be safe for very long. Yes, they encountered worse: earthquakes, Proposition 8, the 2016 election, but this was unlike anything they've before witnessed.  
The two titans stood before each other in a Mexican standoff, both trained their Desert Eagles on each other. The first odd thing about these titans was they didn't resemble the ones normally found in Greek mythology, unless the Greeks hid something so the Romans couldn't steal it. Instead, they resembled a dog and a cat. Their bodies, however, resembled a man's…more specifically, body-builders.  
"It's over, Garfield!" announced the dog. He was covered in yellow fur, and his ears were long and brown. His eyes looked like they either had a plan or no plan at all.  
"No, Odie," said the cat named Garfield, coolly, "It's over when you're singing to the fat lady _with_ bullets in your body." Garfield was an orange tabby who usually had a laid-back look in his eyes. Now, they scowled at the assailant. He also had an odd habit of giving the fist pump with his right arm every time he said the word "with." No one understood why. He never explained it, and never would.  
"You wanna shoot me?" teased Odie, "I'd like to see you try. You're not man enough to shoot me."  
This was a way for Odie to get under Garfield's skin, and they both knew it. Still, it didn't stop the giant tabby from following through on a threat.  
"Want to be betting?" asked Garfield. He pulled the trigger on his Desert Eagle, and a bullet tore into Odie's chest. The dog fell to the ground in pain. Clutching his chest, Odie felt an extreme heat. It wasn't his flowing blood or the smolder of the bullet. He brought his hand to his eye-line and found a mixture of his blood and tomato sauce, remnants of noodle sheets, ricotta cheese, and beef bits. He knew instantly what it was, and more than Garfield's idiosyncratic speech, it annoyed him.  
"Lasagna bullets?!" exclaimed Odie painfully and irritably, "Really? What the fuck is your obsession with lasagna?" It had gotten on his nerves for quite sometime now that Garfield had a love bordering on obsession with lasagna. He included it in everything, including the flavor of a personal brand of cigarettes he removed from his pocket. He pulled one out of the pack, placed it between his lips, and lit it with the flame burning out of the barrel of the Desert Eagle.  
"It is truly greatest thing in world," said Garfield, taking a long drag and blowing it out, "next, of course, to sexy ladies."  
He placed the Desert Eagle into his holster, and held out his fist, thumb raised to the sky. A spaceship appeared out of thin air and a beam shot out of its underside, hitting the ground. A hole opened under Odie, and before he could respond, he fell screaming to the center of the Earth.  
"Very good," said Garfield, nodding his head approvingly. He held his fist up to the sky again. The beam narrowed, and the hole closed. But a figure leapt out just before closer was complete. Garfield had his hand on his Desert Eagle, ready to draw. But this wasn't his nemesis.  
The figure stood up, and brushed herself off. She was dressed in a pink polo and a destroyed denim miniskirt. Her hair was black and reached her mid-back. The ends were red. She looked up at Garfield, who was shocked.  
"Is dis Hogwarts?" asked Ebony.


	2. Chapter 2

Ebony pulled pink polos off of her body trying vainly to escape them when a hole opened from above. She looked up and saw a light she hadn't seen in a thousand years. Hell time moved quicker than Earth time, so twenty years on Earth equalled a thousand years in Hell. Therefore, any light that wasn't hellfire was a welcome. Ebony knew this light very well. It was light from the Earth. Home. A doorway back home. Immediately, she looked around for something allowing access to the hole, but found nothing. The sadness was so overbearing that she looked around for a sharp rock. It was common for her to slash her wrists when she couldn't take the stress of being away from what she wanted most. Being in Hell, however, meant she would never be free by way of wrist-slashing, and considering the amount of times she had somehow been saved from bleeding to death, that wasn't saying much. Still, it was better than wearing prep-clothing.  
Before she could complete the task, a figure dropped down into the hole and bounced off of the giant pile of pink polos all the way to the hot ground. It looked like a giant dog with a muscular body. An odd sight, indeed. But the Earth's light kept her attention, and she noticed a sight she'd ignored until now: the polos reached the hole.  
"Dat's how I can get out of dis fucking place!" screamed Ebony. She ran to the pile and immediately started her climb. But her leg was caught. She looked down and saw the dog grabbing her leg. A crazed look in his eye.  
"Let go of me, u fucking freak!" Screamed Ebony. One swift kick to the hand, and he let go. Tumbling down the pink hill, he screamed.  
"I'll get you, Garfield," screamed the dog.  
"Whatever dat means," said Ebony. She flipped him the bird—the rude gesture she gave everyone—and continued toward the light, and just before it closed, she landed on her face on to the pavement. She stood up and brushed herself off. Nothing looked the same as it did when she was alive. Upon inspection, she saw everyone dressed in tighter clothing, wearing thickly rimmed glasses, and the women wearing high-waisted jeans, shorts, and dresses. All of them had a strange device in their hands that shone light in their faces. Their thumbs worked away at the screams at a quick pace.  
Ebony turned her attention away from the crowd of strangers and saw an orange cat with the same type of body as the dog. Having attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Ebony was used to seeing all sorts of weird and unusual things. But she'd be lying if she said that this was something old hat. Still, she ventured a guess.  
"Is dis Hogwarts?" Ebony asked.

"What nonsense are you talking about, woman?" Asked Garfield. It was his instinct to immediately approach any woman within his sights, but none of them have uttered nonsensical words like "Hogwarts." Although, the name did sound familiar to him.  
Ebony saw the cigarette in his mouth and asked, "Do u have an extra cigarette on u?"  
Always," said Garfield. He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and handed it to her. She'd never smoked before. The worst thing she'd done health wise was cut herself. But this was something she needed at the moment. She couldn't explain why.  
"Do u have a light?" Asked Ebony.  
Garfield withdrew his Desert Eagle, saying "I always have a light both in my hand in my pants to spare for sexy ladies."  
"Don't shoot!" Yelled Ebony, raising her hands. A bullet to the heart was her ticket to Hell, and she did not want tit to send her back.  
"Never fear, sugarlips," said Garfield, "It's not loaded." He cocked the gun and a tiny flame appeared from the barrel, light Ebony's cigarette. She took a long drag, and just as she was getting ready to exhale, she spat out the smoke, coughing. Something about it didn't taste right.  
"Dis tastes lik a plate of spaghetti!" Sputtered Ebony.  
"It is not spaghetti cigarette!" Said Garfield indignantly, "It's lasagna cigarette." How could she not tell the difference between lasagna and spaghetti? Was she dense? Was she retarded? How could she launch forth such an insult? Who did she think she was? It was goddamned lasagna!  
"Y do u have lasagna flavored cigarettes?" Asked Ebony. It obviously was weird that a humanoid cat would walk around in—what looked like, anyway—the Muggle (non-magic) world. But lasagna flavored cigarettes?  
"Because lasagna is greatest thing in world," said Garfield. Why no one agreed with him was something of an unsolvable mystery.  
"Dis is disgusting," said Ebony, "No normal person smokes dese." She threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped it into the road. This was not a good gesture for anyone to give, and it was a sign of disrespect to the Earth to dump trash everywhere. But normally, a friendly reminder can set things right. For Garfield, however, this was heinous on every front he knew: the environment, and especially lasagna. He had to teach her a lesson in decency. He walked up to her, raised his open hand up, and brought it down across her face. A loud crack like a popper on the concrete sidewalk rang through the street. Everyone's attention turned to the quarrel. Ebony, having fallen to the ground, looked up at Garfield, shocked.  
"Littering is bad," bellowed Garfield, "but don't be badmouthing lasagna."  
Ebony shot back up on her feet and ran to Garfield, fists already working on bruising him up. It hurt her hands because of how rock hard his abs were, but she didn't care. Initially, Garfield was shocked. No other woman in his travels ever stood up to him like that. But an attack was an attack, and he grabbed her fists and lowered her arms down to her sides. She tried to escape his grip, but he was too strong.  
"Let me go, u fuckin pussy!" Screamed Ebony.  
"Not until you calm down, sugartits," said Garfield.  
"Wut did u call me?!" Screamed Ebony, further enraged.  
"Sugartits. I call all ladies nice names." /  
"U think dat's a nice name, u fuckin dolt?!"  
"Yes."  
"Well its nut. Its fuckin misogynistic! N u dont get 2 hit me! Noone does! U hear me?! Noone!"  
The spaceship landed before them. The engines shut off and the walkway lowered from the bottom of the ship. Ebony and Garfield heard the roar of a motorcycle engine from inside the vessel. The noise grew louder and out came a man on a Harley Davidson, popping a wheelie as he came to a stop before the two fighters.  
"Stop fighting," said the biker, "Garfield, John Freeman and woman must get back onto the ship. There are many more missions for Garfield and John Freeman to have. Garifeld and John Freeman must live up to family name and face full life consequences."  
"You are being right, my friend," said Garfield.  
They entered the ship, with the biker popping a wheelie along the way.

The space ship served its inhabitants on many adventures, and along the way they collected a wide array of memorabilia. Most belonged to Garfield: a Red Ryder BB gun mounted on the wall of the corridor, a royal seal from King George VI sitting on a shelf, a portrait of Garfield shouting into a microphone at a concert, and dozens of other pictures showing a variety of public figures and species of aliens he encountered along the way. A good number of which were females. Some of these pictures featured the biker. Ebony looked at all of them.  
"U ged around," said Ebony to Garfield, who still had her wrists in his hands, "Could you _plz_ let me go?"  
"Will you be cooling your jets?" Asked Garfield.  
"Yes," said Ebony, "Im over it."  
Garfield let Ebony go. She brushed herself off and looked around the place.  
"Welcome to our home," said Garfield holding his hands out.  
"Yea," said Ebony unenthusiastically. She walked around, looking at everything. It was quite unappealing to her; magazines everywhere. Most of them of the Hugh Hefner type. They were quite disturbing.  
"Those are not John Freeman's," said the biker.  
"Gud 2 no," said Ebony, "so who flies dis thing?"  
"I do," replied Garfield, puffing his chest out and pointing at it with his thumb.  
"Wut r u doing?" Asked Ebony, unimpressed.  
"Showing off my manliness. Are you not infatuated yet? The swooning should start soon."  
"No, Im nut."  
Garfield exhaled, losing his posture. 'How can this be?" He asked, 'All sexy ladies be loving my manly muscles."  
"Welcome 2 1997," said Ebony.  
"The year is 2019, actually," said the biker.  
"Wut?!" Screamed Ebony.  
"It's truth," said Garfield.  
"But..." stuttered Ebony, "wut happnd? 2 Hogwarts? 2 Draco? 2 Vlodemort?"  
"What in lasagna-drenched hell are you blathering about?" Asked Garfield.  
"Maybe John Freeman can help," said the biker. He walked toward the cockpit and opened the door. Just as he was about to enter, he looked back and saw Ebony still with Garfield.  
"Come in," said the biker.  
"Isn't John Freeman gonna help me?" Asked Ebony, "Where is he?"  
"John Freeman is here," said the biker, pointing to himself, "and ready to face full life consequences."  
Ebony stared at him. This whole time, when he said "John Freeman," he was referring to himself? Why would anyone talk like that? Sure, the big cat's speech was odd, but this? This was just plain fucked!  
Ebony entered the cockpit, and John Freeman led her to the computer. He was something of a computer expert because he worked in an IT lab before meeting Garfield. Now he was landed with the task of computer engineering and maintenance. But this was what he used to try to take his mind off of that which he longed for but would never find again. He typed the word "Hogwarts" into the search engine and was directed to a website. Nicely designed with an emblem shaped like a shield, and divided into four parts. Each part had an animal: a lion on the top left, a snake on the top right, a badger on the bottom left, and a raven on the bottom right. Underneath the shield was a ribbon with the words "Draco Dorminus Nunquam Titillandus." Ebony knew that this was it.  
"Look up Draco Malfoy," said Ebony.  
John Freeman typed in the name "Draco Malfoy" and was taken to a page listing all Hogwarts graduates. Draco Malfoy was found in the "M" section for the Class of 1998. The moment she saw him, Ebony grew weak in the knees. Pale face, light hair, a look of superiority. This was the man of her dreams. The man who made her heart pound.  
"Dat's him," said Ebony, "I have 2 go back 2 Hogwarts."  
"But the website says Draco Malfoy graduated in 1998," said John Freeman.  
"Where is he, then?" Asked Ebony defensively.  
John Freeman searched for Draco and came up with a profile. He read aloud, "The website says that Draco Malfoy lives at home with his son. Draco Malfoy is independently wealthy and a widower."  
"Dats a lie!" screamed Ebony, "He wud never do dat! He wud never mary someone else! Im his 1 and only! Im his Immortal! Now, take me 2 Hogwarts!"  
Garfield entered the cockpit, having heard it all. "Listen to me, woman," shouted Garfield, 'If my partner speaks truth, it is best to believe."  
Shjt da fukk up, u fuken prep!" Screamd Ebony.  
Garfield raised his arm to strike her. She quickly pulled out a black wand and pointed it at Garfield.  
"_Freeze-oh Cat-oh!_" Announced Ebony, waving her wand and pointing it at Garfield. Instantly, he froze stiff, and fell down on his back. Ebony walked to him and stood over his face like a hawk.  
"U lissen 2 me, u orange fuck," started Ebony, "U all r gong 2 take me 2 Hogwarts! Now!"  
John Freeman stood up and looked over Garfield. "Is Garfield alive?" Asked John Freeman.  
"Yes," said Ebony, "but I no da killin curse. Wud u lik me 2 show u?"  
"Oh, please, don't do that," pleaded John Freeman.  
"Den u will take me 2 Hogwarts?"  
"Yes, Garfield and John Freeman will take woman to Hogwarts. Just return Garfield back to the way Garfield was."  
"K," said Ebony, pointing her wand at Garfield. Waving and flicking again, she announced, "_Remove-oh spell-oh_."  
Garfield felt his limbs move as soon as the red light shot from the wand and hit his body. He bolted back and glared at Ebony.  
"Who are you," demanded Garfield, "to commit such atrocity against me?"  
"Da name is Ebony," she replied, "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."  
"What ridiculous name is that?" Asked Garifeld, "It doesn't matter. We will be throwing you off ship soon _with_ force."  
"John Freeman already said that Garfield and John Freeman will take Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way to Hogwarts," said John Freeman, "and that if John Freeman and Garfield lived up to John Freeman and Garfield's family names and faced full life consequences, John Freeman and Garfield's lives would be spared."  
"I'm not scared of sorcerer witches," boasted Garifeld, "I can take on any and all danger."  
"Can u handle death?" Asked Ebony, pulling out her wand once again.  
"I have died before," said Garfield," but have come back. I looked Death in the face and kneed him in the groin and told him 'Not today!'"  
"That was because John Freeman and Garfield had resurrection stones," said John Freeman, "That planet and resurrection stones are gone now."  
"Must you always bring me down?" Asked Garfield, gritting his teeth, "She didn't know that. Now you're making us look weak and not as manly." If there was one thing about his partner that annoyed him, it was his constant need to tell the truth, and by extension make his manliness look inadequate. But this was not the time for arguments, so he continued, "Fine. We'll be taking you to Hog and Pig Warts."  
"Fangz. Geddit coz Im goffick," said Ebony, "and it's 'Hogwarts.'"  
"That's what I said," answered Garfield, 'Hoggily-Warts."


	3. Chapter 3

"Set a course for Hogwits," said Garfield to John Freeman, who sat in the pilot's seat and set the course. Ebony sat next to him, smiling. Garfield entered his own cabin and sat down in the lotus position, his eyebrows furrowed. Never before had a woman stood up to him more than once. This wasn't like him to let it happen. Maybe he was losing his edge. Traveling the world as well as the galaxy introduced him to many different cultures and views. Was this why he let Ebony get the upper hand? He didn't know. But what he did know was that he had a reputation, and said reputation was under attack by a sexy witch. He needed a plan, and fast. But before he could formulate any thought, the klaxon alarm sounded throughout the vessel. Garfield shot up on his feet. That alarm could only mean one thing, and that one thing caused Garfield to smile excitedly.  
"Wut da fuk is going on?!" Screamed Ebony, covering her ears.  
"That is the time-travel alarm," explained John Freeman.  
"U guys tim travel?" Asked Ebony.  
"Yes," said John Freeman, "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way doesn't look incredulous."  
"We had tim turners at Hogwarts. Mi friend B'loody Mary Smith had 1. She used it to get to all of her classes on tim."  
"Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way will have to tell John Freeman more about Hogwarts after the mission is complete."  
"Wut mission?" Asked Ebony, "Aren't we goin 2 Hogwarts right now?"  
"No, there's trouble, and it requires the attention of Garfield and John Freeman."  
"But cant it wait til l8tr?"  
"No," said Garfield," it cannot." He entered the cockpit, loaded with a belt full of guns and ammunition. The buckle had a drawing of lasagna on it. "What's our mission?" Asked Garfield.  
"A place called..." John Freemean looked closer to read the word correctly, "...Minas Tirith."  
"Wuts 'Minas Tirith?'" Asked Ebony.  
"Ask questions later," said Garfield, "All systems be going _with_ maximum effort."  
"It's time," said John Freeman, "to live up to family name and face full life consequences."  
John Freeman pressed a button, and a white psychedelic tunnel surrounded the ship. Their speed increased. Everything around them turned white.  
The three inhabitants gained sight once again. Ebony's hand instantly went to her hand. It felt like a mandrake was screaming directly at her brain. John Freeman, whose headache was similarly painful, pulled out a tin the size of a cigarette case. He opened it and pulled out three small tablets. He handed one to Ebony and one to Garfield.  
"Take this," said John Freeman, gulping his own down, "it'll cure the headache."  
Ebony gulped hers down. Garfield stared at his, scoffing.  
"These are ladies' pills," said Garfield, "only the thrill of adventure can cure a headache." He stormed out of the cockpit, quickly gulping the tablet when they weren't looking.  
"How can u stand dat moron?" Asked Ebony.  
"Garfield's manhood obsession may be overwhelming," said John Freeman, "but Garfield is good in battle. Come. Let Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and John Freeman join Garfield before Garfield causes too much trouble."  
"What kind of trouble?" Asked Ebony.  
John Freeman looked out the windshield. His eyes widened.  
"That kind of trouble," said John Freeman. Ebony followed him out of the ship and onto the courtyard of an enormous ivory castle. A big leafless tree stood proud in the center of it all. People around them stared in amazement. But others were sparring words with Garfield, who confronted a guard.  
"You cannot see the king until you state your business," said the guard.  
"Here is my business," said Garfield. He grabbed the guard and headbutted him so hard he was sent into the stone ground. Another guard checked him.  
"He's dead," said the second guard, "You will escort yourself out of the kingdom of Gondor this instant."  
"Escort this," said Garfield, and he backhanded the second guard onto his back. He wasn't moving.  
"What is Garfield thinking just barging in here?" Asked John Freeman.  
"He will live," said Garfield, "He is only unconscious."  
"Garfield and John Freeman talked about this many times," said John Freeman.  
"I can't wait," said Garfield, "You know this."  
"Well, sometimes, Garfield has to wait. Garfield, John Freeman, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way are in a strange land where many unknown things might occur. And Garfield has already scared the citizens around here."  
"They have no need to fear me," said Garfield, and he turned to everyone, "You have no need to be fearing me. I don't wish to harm you. Only to save you from the threat which threatens your city."  
"Follow me," said an old man. He led them to the doorway of the throne room. Ebony looked around. It was too bright for her. It could've used a little darkening up.  
The old man opened the doors, and they entered.  
Ahead of them was the throne. It appeared that a figure was sitting in the throne, and another was at his right side. The old man ushered Ebony, Garfield, and John Freeman closer to the mysterious figures.  
"Your Majesty," said the old man, "three strange travelers have come to see you."  
The figure sitting in the throne looked at them. He was a strong looking man, a full beard, long hair, light eyes. He looked as if this was a position long reserved for him, but only achieved when he was forced to rise to the occasion. And quite an occasion it was, if only the trio knew.  
"Your Kingness," began Garfield, "it has come to our attention that a threat has entered your kingdom. We are here to destroy it."  
The person at his right—a woman with blonde hair and dead blue eyes—grabbed the king's shoulder tightly.  
"No," said the king monotonously, "there is no threat."  
"But the monitor on the ship said otherwise," said John Freeman, "If... excuse John Freeman, but what is the king's name?"  
"I am King Aragorn," said the King, "son of Arathorn. This is my advisor, Svetlana."  
"Welcome to our kingdom," said the woman named Svetlana.  
"R u a prep?" Asked Ebony, "bcuz u look lik 1."  
"I don't understand what you mean," said Svetlana.  
"Yeh, ur a prep," said Ebony, and she pulled out her wand.  
"Wait!" Yelled John Freeman.  
"_Knockius outus_," said Ebony, waving her wand.  
A black orb shot out and hit the crystal Svetlana wore around her neck. It shattered, and a light shined through the throne room. It dimmed and on the floor was a naked woman with long brown hair. She stood up and looked around. The first odd thing about her was that her ears were pointed. Ebony recognized this instantly.  
"Oh my fucking Satan!" She screamed, "Geddit? Cuz I'm goffick. Ur a magical fairy."  
"Not quite," said the naked woman, covering herself, "I am an elf. My name is Queen Arwen, and I am in dire need of clothing."  
"Look what you've done!" yelled Svetlana.  
Aragorn rubbed his eyes, looked up at Svetlana. "You," he realized, "You tricked me!"  
"All I thought about was us," said Svetlana.  
"Enough soft stuff," said Garfield, "Let's get to fighting and loving."  
"Very well," said Svetlana sadly. She lowered her hands, and out came a dozen spiders. They scurried about the place.  
"We must stop them before they reach the citizens!" Said Aragorn urgently. He unsheathed his sword and ran for Arwen, shielding her. The old man ran for the door, but a spider pounced on him and ate his head. Garfield blew it away with his Desert Eagle. He shot at two more. This was something of a game to him, and in his mind, he was beating everyone at it.  
John Freeman pulled out his semi-automatic and fired away at a few other spiders. He didn't like having to resort to this particular type of violence, but this called for it. It was spiders, after all. The hall was painted with spider guts by the time John Freeman was finished.  
Ebony shot black orbs from her wand, but the spiders would not stop multiplying. She looked up and saw Svetlana using her hands to open her robes. She looked closer: the spiders were escaping from her womb. Ew, she thought. Just then, she saw a spider coming her way. She jumped, and landed on the spider, crushing it. Her eyes turned back to Svetlana. The spiders exited single file. An idea popped in her head. She ran into the line, using the spiders as stepping stones toward Svetlana. With a wave of her wand, she performed the killing curse, and Svetlana went down like a broken pillar of salt. All of the spiders died as a result. Garfield and John Freeman turned to Ebony.  
"Wut?" Asked Ebony.  
Garfield smiled and gave her the thumbs up.  
"Thank you so much," said Aragon, who stood next to Arwen wearing his cloak, "How can we repay the kindness?"  
"I will be needing payment of lasagna," said Garfield, "And maybe a night _with_ much lovings." He looked at Arwen, who backed away in horror.  
"Garfield, John Freeman, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way," John Freeman began, "will just take lasagna. John Freeman will teach King Aragorn how it is made."  
"Done," said King Aragorn.  
While John Freeman demonstrated to Aragorn how to make lasagna, Garfield walked up to Ebony.  
"That was good fighting," said Garfield, "How did you know how to defeat her?"  
"I don't no," said Ebony, "I just guessed."  
"It was a good guess," said Garfield, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some lovings to make."  
Garfield walked away from Ebony and headed in the same direction as John Freeman and the king and queen.

"How many times does John Freeman have to tell Garfield," began John Freeman, "just because there's a beautiful woman doesn't mean Garfield can immediately do whatever Garfield wants?"  
"I take all sexy ladies," said Garfield. He dropped a bag of ice and posed in a manly stance. It didn't help much that a big goose egg formed on top of his head.  
"Queen Arwen was married to King Aragorn," said John Freeman, "That means Queen Arwen was off-limits."  
"My friend, take a chance and test the limits of your boundaries. You never know what you'll find."  
"John Freeman knows that Garfield, John Freeman, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way are not welcome back to Gondor. Now, excuse John Freeman, John Freeman must attend to next destination."  
John Freeman left Garfield in his cabin to nurse his injury. It constantly amazed the two for different reasons: Garfield, because why ladies had to put up a fight against his manly charms; and John Freeman, because why they haven't been blacklisted from every corner of time and space by now due to Garfield's chauvinistic behavior.  
John Freeman entered the cockpit and saw Ebony looking at Draco's picture. He sat down next to her.  
"How is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way?" Asked John Freeman.  
"Deprzzed," said Ebony.  
"Would Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way wish to talk about it?" Asked John Freeman.  
"No. I just want 2 c Draco again."  
"Very well."  
John Freeman set the course for Hogwarts.  
The ship landed on the grounds of a huge castle near a big lake. How it was able to bypass all of the magical barriers was due to some computer hacks; all of John Freeman's own design. The ship's walkway lowered. Ebony ran toward the doors of the castle's entrance.  
It was quite a castle, and looked like it had been here since the 9th or 10th Century. Huge, rambling, scary-looking, with a jumble of towers and battlements, it had been headed by only four people in its entire existence: Professors Albus Dumbledore, Dolores Umbridge, Severus Snape, and currently Minerva McGonagel, who succeeded Snape after his death. Snape, like McGonagel, succeeded Dumbledore after his own death. Umbridge briefly took over when she was just a professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts. Hers was a story they never forgot. Especially Ebony, who had several run-ins with her. Umbridge had a sizeable amount of power in the wizarding world, but thanks to some students—one of them being the famous Harry Potter—her reign ended. The school had gone through a lot outside of that, but somehow survived through the courage and persistence of its students and teachers.  
Ebony stood before the great doors. Twenty-one years! Would it be the same as it was before? Of course it would! It just had to be the same. She drew her wand out, but before she could cast any spell, she heard a loud roar from behind. She looked back and saw Garfield and John Freeman popping wheelies on their motorcycles and speeding toward her. She jumped out of the way. Garfield rammed through the doors. John Freeman came in close behind him. Both riders turned off the engines.  
"Garfield beat John Freeman once again," said John Freeman  
"Don't be getting discouraged, my friend," said Garfield, "someday you may win."  
"Wut r u simpletons doing?!" Yelled Ebony.  
"We were having a manly race," Garfield explained, "to see who would get there first, and you came in last place, sweet cheeks."  
"U broke da door down," said Ebony, "I was gonna use magic 2 get in."  
"And if that didn't work?"  
"Magic not working?" Well, in dat case, we'll just nock. Wut r u, hi?" Of course magic works!"  
"Magic didn't keep John Freeman, Garfield, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way from landing here," said John Freeman.  
"U no, nobody liks u," said Ebony.  
"That is being enough!" Roared Garfield, "I will not be having cruelty toward my friends."  
"Oh, fuk off," said Ebony.  
They moved further into the castle, with Ebony leading the way. Garfield manly-strutted behind her. John Freeman caught up. But as soon as they ventured toward the doors of the Great Hall. They heard footsteps behind them. They turned and saw a big man with a huge beard and lantern in hand. He looked cross.  
"Who are you," he demanded," and how did you get in here?"  
"Hairgrid," said Ebony, "it's me! Dont u remember?"  
"It's pronounced 'Hagrid,'" said the giant.  
"Wutevr, Hahrid. Don't u remember we were in a band 2gedder?"  
"I've never been in a band at all! But... I do remember a girl wanted me to be in a band and was bothering everyone about it... and when they turned her down, she... oh, no! Oh, no! Ebony?!"  
"Dat's rite!"  
"You're supposed to be dead!"  
"Surprise, posr!"  
"And who are these?" asked Hagrid, pointing to Garfield and John Freeman. Yes, he finally remembered Ebony. It was a memory he didn't want to keep. While it was known that he fraternized with students, he never made any advances toward them. It was this that created the unwanted memory of her.  
"I am Garfield," Garfield introduced himself, "and this is my friend, John Freeman."  
Footsteps bounded into the foyer. Leading the precession was an old woman wearing a pointy hat. At her tail were a few other teachers. One of them a dwarf.  
"What is the meaning of this intrusion?" Demanded the woman.  
"Headmistress McGonagel, ma'am," said Hagrid to the woman, "this young woman says she's a former student here."  
"Ms. McGoogal," said Ebony, "It's me. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."  
McGonagel approached Ebony. She dealt with all sorts of students. Each one was a different case. But there was one she would rather not remember, if only for all of the trouble she caused them. Yet here she was, still looking as ridiculous as ever.  
"Ebony," said McGonagel, "how did you..."  
"Where is Draco?" Demanded Ebony.  
"Draco?"  
"Draco Malfoy, u srupid bich!"  
"Don't speak to her like that," yelled Hagrid. He didn't exactly understand the meaning behind what was just said, but he gathered that it was intended as a slight against the headmistress.  
"Sut da fuk up, posr!"  
"Draco Malfoy," McGonagel began, "is not here. He hasn't been a Hogwarts student for over twenty years."  
"Lie!" Screamed Ebony.  
"That's what John Freeman tried to tell Ebony Dark'ness Dementa Raven Way," said John Freeman, "but Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way wouldn't listen."  
"I grow bored!" Yelled Garfield, "let's blow this popsicle stand and grab lasagna _with_ ladies."  
McGonagel and the other teachers stared at Garfield. "I think," she started, "you need to leave. All of you."  
"But—" began Ebony.  
"Now!" Boomed wanted to use her magic against McGonagel. She always hated it when teachers tried to keep her and Draco apart. But she knew full well that the teachers were more powerful than she and the rest of the student combined. Resigned, she, Garfield, and John Freeman left Hogwarts.


	4. Chapter 4

Back on the ship, Garfield lifted weights. More than one would like to lift, but he was known to overdue strength-training.  
Ebony sat in the cockpit, listening to My Chemical Romance. John Freeman sat in the driver's seat. The ship flew due to auto-pilot. Ebony was deep in thought.  
"What is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way thinking about?" Asked John Freeman.  
These thoughts were far too private to share publicly, but they included a night in Hogsmeade attending a Good Charlotte concert before they became a sensation, almost losing her virginity to Draco in the Forbidden Forest, and the instant shyness he felt around her. These were the moments that belonged to them, and she wanted them back.  
"How I'm gonna git Draco back," said Ebony, "Where did u say he wuz?"  
"At Draco Malfoy's mansion," said John Freeman.  
"Den dat is were I'll go," said Ebony, "Git us dere."  
John Freeman set a course for London, and the ship made its way.  
"The ship is low on fuel," said John Freeman.

It had been smooth sailing to London for the three. The destination was clear, and Ebony was soon to be with Draco. She even got herself dressed for such an occasion: black laced-up boots with high-heels. On her legs were red ripped fishnets. A black leather minidress designed to look like a corset. Red ripped fishnets covered her arms. Her hair was straightened into spikes. Her nails were painted black. A liberal appliance of black eyeliner was used. Her lips were painted black. An additional caking of white foundation rested on her already pale face. Appearance mattered a great deal to Ebony, especially since she spent a thousand years in Hell trying to escape from prep clothing.  
When John Freeman first set the course for London, she told him to make a stop at Hot Topic so she could get herself some clothes. Everything in there was just as different, and shopping proved difficult due to the specificity of her list.  
"Wut da hell is dis?!" Asked Ebony. She saw nothing but clothing with cartoons from Disney, superheroes, strange-looking thin boys and girls in school uniform, and names of TV shows she missed out on for obvious reasons.  
"The Hot Topic store," said John Freeman.  
"No its nut!" Said Ebony, "Lok around u!"  
"I am," said Garfield," and all I see is sexy ladies _with_ boys and other sexy ladies. What they be needing is man like me. I can give them lovings like they never knew."  
"Can u 4 once stop thinking about sex?" Asked Ebony, disgusted, "Besides, dese girls r 2 young 4 u."  
"Sexy ladies have an age limit?" Asked Garfield. He never thought the statute of limitations for age. Although he did wonder more than once why some ladies were tighter in the vagina than others. At first, he attributed it to penis size. But at the moment he wasn't so sure it was just that anymore.  
"Yes," said Ebony, "U tellin me dat u had sex wif underage girls?"  
"And what if I did?" Asked Garfield defensively, "and besides, no sexy ladies have age limit."  
"Ew, you fucking perv!" Ebony screamed, "U tellin me ur a pedo?!"  
All eyes in the store turned to Ebony. She hated it when people stared at her. Especially if they were posers, and in her mind, these people were definitely posers. She flipped her middle finger up at them.  
"Ma'am," said an employee," we'd appreciate it if you used family friendly gestures in this environment."  
"And _I'd_ appreciate it if you had goffick clothes radder dan preppy clothes," said Ebony.  
"We have plenty of 'Gothic' clothing," said the employee, "Here, I'll show you."  
The employee led Ebony to an area, and she swooned. The only downside was there weren't any shirts for Gothic bands like My Chemical romance and Good Charlotte. How she came to learn about My Chemical Romance was still a mystery to all except those either fortunate or unfortunate enough to become closer to Ebony, like her best friend Raven. It was unknown what became of her after she graduated from Hogwarts. Some thing she may have committed suicide, like she and Ebony often mused over, but others say she lived among Muggles and was a woman of Catholic faith. What they all agree on was that she and Ebony shared almost everything discounting bodily fluids. What Raven knew, and never said anything except to her husband—a pro-life, anti-LGBTQ+, Trump-Republican senator from Greenbow, Alabama—was Ebony had a secret.  
The secret was this: there was a period in Ebony's life when she hated present day Hogwarts. After she had seen the_Back to the Future_movie, she became obsessed with the idea of knowing what the future held. She knew that B'loody Mary had a Time-Turner, which she used to attend all of her classes. The only way it could be described was as a time machine on a necklace. One day, when B'loody Mary wasn't looking, Ebony took her time turner and set it a little further into the future than she intended. She therefore had no knowledge of her fate. Perhaps this was for the best. She roamed the future world, seeing all sorts of things for which she has no memory of except for a band consisting of young men. Their name was My Chemical Romance. The lead singer was Gerard Way. She fell in love. The first song she heard was "Welcome to the Black Parade." She knew instantly she found the band for her. So, she ponied up whatever money she had, and bought a CD. She returned to her time and shared the music with Raven. They listened to it multiple times, and Ebony decided to adopt the last name "Way" as her own. Of course, when she returned to the land of the living, it was a devastating blow to learn that My Chemical Romance broke up in 2013.  
"Dat must be y Hell was deprzzed," said Ebony when she read the news on the computer in the ship. But she couldn't stay stuck on that. She had a mission, and with the items bought, she and her odd comrades set out for Malfoy Mansion.

The klaxon alarm sounded throughout the ship. While Garfield exuded enthusiasm over the next mission, Ebony was less than enthused.  
"U got 2 be kidding!" Exclaimed Ebony.  
"Where to?" Asked Garfield?  
"Seattle, Washington," said John Freeman.  
"Why da fuk r we going 2 Seattle?" Asked Ebony.  
"We'll see," said Garfield.

The ship landed in the courtyard of a dilapidated high school. The children saw it, yet they didn't respond in a way that would be considered appropriate for an event like this. Instead, they responded with a long resounding "Oooh" in perfect unison. They didn't jump either when the walkway lowered. Ebony, Garfield, and John Freeman exited the ship. They looked around seeing no immediate threat in sight. Ebony stared at the expressionless teenagers. Discomfort rose within her.  
"What da fuk r u looking at, preps?" She yelled.  
"That is not the way to talk to the people Garfield, John Freeman, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way will be saving," said John Freeman, "Let John Freeman show Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way how to talk to the teenagers." He looked at the kids. "Citizens of the high school," he began, "John Freeman, Garfield, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way do not wish harm. John Freeman, Garfield, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way only wish to save the people of this high school. Who is the principal?"  
A man stepped forward. Balding, and nervous, he looked at them. "Hello, strangers," he said, "I am Principal Leeman."  
"John Freeman," John Freeman pointed to himself, then to the respective others,  
"Garfield, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."  
"We're here to do manly things," said Garfield, "tell us who threatens your elementary playground field?"  
"Its nut an alimentary skool, u dunce," said Ebony, "its a hi skool!"  
"Is there a person that has become a problem?" Asked John Freeman, "or persons?"  
"There are two boys," said Leeman, "but they're not here."  
"Where are they?" Asked John Freeman.  
"I'll show you the way," said Leeman. His nervousness came through even more prominently than before. Something about the aforementioned boys spooked him. Both John Freeman and Garfield saw it. But they let the man take all three of them into the building.

Anyone unfortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the exterior of this school would be wise to consider themselves fortunate to never see the interior, because it was potentially worse: Leeman led the trio down the hall. The floor tiles were so filthy and moulded that the mould pushed the tiles out of the grouting. The wall's paint came off in chips and scattered on the floor. The ceiling was stained with what looked like brown paint.  
"Why are the ceiling tiles brown?" Asked John Freeman, "Was paint splashed upon them?"  
"Dat's not paint," said Ebony, "It is..." the pause made Leeman, John Freeman, and Garfield uncomfortable. Ebony didn't normally use dramatic pauses long enough to drive a fright train through them. Yet here she was, silent as the—  
"Blood splatter!" Ebony answered jarringly. Her cohorts and Leeman jumped.  
"Yes," said Leeman, then leaned forward to John Freeman, "Did she just have a stroke?"  
"John Freeman doesn't know," said John Freeman, "John Freeman hasn't known Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way long enough to know of any ailments physically and/or mentally, or any current medications currently prescribed." But it was snow added to his agenda once the mission was complete.  
Leeman continued all the way to a door leading to a classroom. This number was 217.  
"They're in here," said Leeman, trying to control his wavering voice. Garfield, John Freeman, and Ebony readied their weapons. Leeman grabbed the doorknob, and turned it slowly. He swung the door open, and John Freeman, Garfield, and Ebony bolted inside. They pointed their Desert Eagles and wand ahead. But they stopped before they could open fire.  
The sight was strange, even by the standards of John Freeman and Garfield. Ahead of them were three hostages sitting bound to their individual chairs. Two of them were teenage girls: both were short. But one was a little more plump than the other, had wide eyes, and black hair. The other was skinny, and had blonde hair. They both looked scared out of their minds, and confused. The third hostage was a middle aged man with a paunch, and he sweat profusely. Pacing around the room was a tall pale-faced doe-eyed boy with long hair, a skinny build, and muscular arms.  
"This is wrong and you know it is, Arthur," he said to nobody, "People are getting hurt Abbi is scared." He looked like he was trying to de-escalate the problem, but as soon as he said that his expression darkened. He turned to show the left side of his face, painted like a skull.  
"Like you actually care about what happens," said the one named Arthur, "You're no saint yourself, James."  
"Wut is goin on here?" Asked Ebony.  
"This is the problem," said Leeman, "His name is Gregory Sicesca. But he has two other personalities: James Patrick and Arthur Gale. James, he said, represents the light. Arthur represents the dark. But if you listen to them individually, it's difficult to say who's darker than whom."  
"And who is dat?" Asked Ebony. She pointed to the desk, where crouched was a smaller boy. He looked like a more appealing and better-dressed version of Gollum.  
"Don't say that about James," he said to the one named Arthur.  
"It's okay, Davis," said James, "I can handle this."  
"Shut up, Davis," said Arthur, "the smart ones are talking."  
"Don't pick on Davis," said James.  
"What are you gonna do about it, you white-knighting try-hard?"  
"I'll call the cops on you, that's what I'll do."  
"And what'll they say? Look at us! We're sharing the same body! God, this is just one more reason why I hate you!"  
"Enough fighting with yourself," said Garfield.  
"Stay out of this, you orange freak of goddamn nature!" Screamed Arthur.  
Garfield raised his Desert Eagle up at Arthur. But James held out his arms.  
"Don't shoot!" Yelled Greg.  
Garfield pulled the trigger and put a bullet into the teenage boy's head. Greg fell back and landed on the ground. Lifeless. The girls stared in shock. Leeman, John Freeman, and Ebony leaned in to get a closer look at the body.  
"No!" Screamed Davis. He pounced onto the body, weeping. Leeman walked to him to try and comfort him.  
"Stay away!" Said Davis, "Leave us alone." He hugged Greg's body. His shoulders shaking. Then he produced a knife made of flint. The trio held up their weapons in defense. But he didn't go after them. Instead, he flipped the blade downward and plunged it into his own chest. He worked the knife around until finally discarded it, and plunged his hand into the wound. He gasped and choked. With one strong tug, he brought his hand out, which held his bloody, pulsating heart. Everyone gasped. Davis brought the heart to Greg's lips, and slowly died. The heart detached from the arteries and veins trailing to Davis' chest and fought its way down Greg's throat, creating a bullfrog appearance in the neck until finally descending downward to wherever in Greg's body it wanted to go. Greg's body shook and convulsed like a current of electricity was introduced to the cadaver. The trio, Leeman, the teacher, and girls watched in shock and terror. The body stopped. They learned in for inspection.  
The hair turned light and bowl-cutted. His eyes opened, and he bolted back up.  
"Oh, hey guys!" He said in a high-pitched voice like someone increased the speed on his speech, "I am Chibi Derf!" He screeched the name "Chibi Derf." The trio, teachers, and girls stared in repulsion. Chibi walked to Davis' dead body.  
"Oh look," said Chibi, "a dead body. What wonderful things can I do with this?" He looked at the hostages. Whatever went through his head at that point, it wasn't going to be good. He picked up Davis' corpse, and moved it legs in a walking motion toward the teacher. Once at the destination, he moved its right hand to land on the teacher's shoulder.  
"Hey, Mr. Hanson," said Chibi, "would you like to play with me, poopy poo-poop?" Chibi grabbed both of Davis' hands and brought them to each side of Mr. Hanson's head. He brought them together like a monkey playing cymbals and crushed Mr. Hanson's head. Blood shot straight up onto the ceiling tile.  
"Dat explains da blood," said Ebony.  
"Put down the body, Chibi," said Garfield, "or taste more lead."  
"I don't wanna!" Screamed Chibi, "I wanna play more." A glow surrounded Chibi, and Davis' corpse melded with his body. He grew a good ten feet, and looked like both he and Davis went through Seth Brundle's telepod together in David Cronenberg's _The Fly_. It was a gruesome sight.  
"I wanna play," said Chibi-Davis.  
"Garfield," said John Freeman, "John Freeman thinks it's time to open fire."  
"I agree," said Garfield.  
They brought out machine guns and commenced a fire fight on Chibi-Davis. Although bullets riddled the body, nothing seemed to bring the monster down. Ebony raised her wand, but caught a glimpse of a patch in Chibi-Davis' chest. That must be a weak spot. Why these two morons weren't seeing it was beyond her comprehension. Ebony shot a black orb into the spot and Chibi-Davis froze.  
"Sup shoting!" Screamed Ebony.  
The gunslingers ceased fire. How they understood her command, they didn't know. But Chibi-Davis convulsed, and started breaking down.  
"I'm a banana!" Screamed Chibi-Davis.  
He exploded, painting the entire classroom red. The texture of the blood looked similar to mashed bananas. The trio walked to the two girls and untied them.  
"Are you two girls okay?" Asked John Freeman.  
"Yes," said the plump one, "we are, I think."  
"Please state the names," said John Freeman.  
"I'm Abbigale," said the plump one.  
"I'm Ashley," said the other.  
"And I am Garfield," he introduced himself.  
"Oh, brudder," said Ebony.  
"And it's a good thing we saved you," said Garfield, "before I called in reinforcements."  
"Wut reinforcements?" Asked Ebony sarcastically.  
"One press of this," said Garfield pointing to his belt buckle, "and reinforcements save us _with_ savings."  
"Ah. Gud thing I found da weak spot, huh?"  
"A very good thing," said John Freeman, "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way did good once again."  
"Only problem is..." said Ebony, taking another long dramatic pause, "...I'm soaked in blood!"  
"Don't worry," said John Freeman, "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way can change out of that on the ship."  
A boy popped out from behind the desk. The trio got their weapons ready.  
"Don't shoot," said Leeman, "He's a student."  
They lowered their weapons. The boy looked around the room, but didn't look fazed at all.  
"Wow!" He finally said, "this is truly the work of a hero!"  
"I am that hero," said Garfield, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some lovings to make." He winked at the two girls, who giggled flirtatiously. Garfield, Abbigale, and Ashley exited the room.  
"That's exactly what I desire for my novella," said the boy, "What's his name?"  
"Garfield," said John Freeman.  
"That name won't stay in place," said the boy, "I'll call him... Grignr."  
"Who r u?" Asked Ebony.  
"My handle is Jim Theis," said the boy, "Some individuals refer to me as 'Captain Thesaurus,' and I'm currently inscribing a novella called 'The Eye of Argon.'"  
"Sounds stupid," said Ebony, and she exited the room.  
"Forgive Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way," said John Freeman, "and allow John Freeman to stay for a while and aid in paperwork and cleanup."  
"That is much appreciated," said Leeman, "There's quite a bit to clean up."

"The ship is low on fuel," said John Freeman.  
"How can this be?" Asked Garfield.  
"The detour to Hot Topic used up some of the fuel," explained John Freeman, "as did the Seattle mission. John Freeman, Garfield, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way will have to make a quick stop to refuel."  
"So, u r sayin dis wuz ma fault, prep?" Asked Ebony. It was bad enough that she had to deal with two of the weirdest men she'd ever met, but now they had to stop once again before they could reach Draco? That just wasn't fair. She'd just changed out of the blood clothes so she could see Draco in a more presentable way: a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets, four pairs of earrings, and her hair was fashioned in a semi-messy bun.  
"No," said John Freeman, "John Freeman isn't blaming Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."  
"Cud u fukin stup talkin lik dat?" Yelled Ebony.  
"Like what?"  
"Lik dat."  
"Like what?"  
"Sayin our nams all da tim! It's irritating. I no who da fuk I am, an I no who da fuk u r!"  
Garfield stepped forward, saying, "Don't be screaming at my friend, bitch tits, or I will be smacking you into outer hemispheres. You don't want that, do you?"  
Ebony quieted down and stared at Garfield. For once, since they met, he was right. She didn't want that.  
"Okay," resigned Ebony, "we'll stup 4 gas."  
"Get us there in two shakes of a lamb's tail," said Garfield to John Freeman. They shared a handshake that only men knew.  
Garfield had found John Freeman half-dead in a demolished building overrun by zombies. Of course, zombies didn't frighten Garfield, but that didn't mean he was naïve to the danger of the living dead. When he was nearly overtaken by the horde of flesh-eaters, John Freeman rescued him before he could call for backup. Garfield was impressed by his performance on the field of battle and asked if he would be interested in aiding him on more quests. John Freeman was hesitant. He had just lost his brother, Gordon Freeman, and longed to return to his wife and Henry Freeman, his son. John Freeman asked his strange rescuer if he could give him a ride home. At first, Garfield didn't want to, because home life was for ladies and children, not men. But he understood John Freeman's mind. Family was important to many people. He saw this in the alien races he saved across the universe.  
When they arrived at his house, John Freeman was devastated to find that his family had gone missing. They left a note stating that they had gone to seek shelter from a race of alien beings called Combines, and were sorry they couldn't see him again. John Freeman told Garfield he needed to find them again, and fast. Garfield agreed to help, but warned him of the lifestyle he possessed and whether or not he was man enough to handle it. So began their partnership.

John Freeman landed the ship in an airfield and conversed with the owner about payment. Garfield stood next to him, haggling prices. The owner didn't want to go through this. He had a difficult time as it was dealing with fluctuating gas prices. Now, he had a large anthropomorphic cat and an odd speaking American haggling prices with him like Arab traders. And he himself was Arabic!  
Ebony grew bored listening to the two idiots and headed off to do some exploring. The entire square looked like it came out of a preppy movie like _Star Wars_: flat screen TVs, devices that looked like computer screens but were advertised as phones. They were said not only to make calls and text messages, but could store music, movies, and give a person access to the Internet. What a revolutionary concept! The music itself, though, seemed to have changed, in that it was harder to find truly Gothic bands. Most were the 1975, Ed Sheeran, Ariana Grande, Taylor Swift, and Kanye West. All of which looked preppy to her. She hated preps. All around her. Nothing but preps. At least in Hogwarts she was around some like-minded people, like the Slytherin students. They were not preppy in the slightest, and since a majority of the student body was Slytherin, she felt right at home.  
At least, that was how she remembered her time at Hogwarts. When Ebony walked past the window of an electronics store she saw something she never expected to come across since her release from Hell. She ran into the store and stopped in front of a man and woman. The man had shorter hair than he did in adolescent years, and although it had traces of grey, it was still as dark as a blackboard. His eyes were still as green as a fresh pickled toad, and glasses—perfectly round lenses—rested on his nose. A lightning bolt took place above his right eyebrow, and looked like it was a permanent part of the skin. Anyone with common sense knew this to be the famous Boy Who Lived: Harry Potter. The woman at his side was another familiar face: red hair, freckles.  
"Ginny," said Harry to the woman, "I don't think our wages will cover an iPad for Albus."  
"I know, Harry," said the woman named Ginny, "but he needs it to help him through the semester."  
"I wish they had student discounts for our children," said Harry.  
"I've written every letter I can to the Ministry of Magic about it. So have Ron and Hermione. Still, nothing. It makes no sense to me. They want to update the teaching tools for their students, but they won't offer anything to help cut the cost."  
"At this rate, it's like we won't be able to make ends meet."  
"We will, Harry. Don't worry. This isn't the worst we've faced."  
"I'll take the Death-Eaters and burning scar over this."  
"You don't mean that."  
"Try me."  
"I know it's frustrating. But this is what happens when Umbridge's nephew heads the Ministry of Magic: bridges are burned, Muggle-Borns become scapegoats, and all we get from his 'leadership' are ego-stroking rallies, and an endless wave of tweets claiming it all as fake news."  
"Vampire?" Asked Ebony.  
Harry and Ginny turned to look at Ebony. This was the first time they've heard that word used in what felt like years.  
"Hello," started Harry, "Can I help you?"  
"Vampire," repeated Ebony, "don't u rember me?"  
"No, I don't," said Harry, confused, "You may be confusing me with someone else."  
"No, I remaber u, Vampire Potter. U wen 2 Hogwarts wit me. U did too, Darkness. But u weren't married. Btw, how cud u mary her? She's so basic. U were fuking Draco."  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Asked Ginny.  
"What the hell _are_ you talking about?" Echoed Harry.  
"We wer in Slytherin together," explained Ebony, "U, me, Draco, Diabolo, B'loody Mary Smith, Darkness, Hargrid, and Dracula. We went 2 concerts at Hogsmeade and slashed our rists deprzzingly."  
Harry and Ginny stared at each other. Absolutely confused, as if someone told them that Brexit was a practical joke played by Tony Blair and Margaret Thatcher's ghost. Harry stared closer at Ebony. Then, a bell went off in his head. He knew.  
"Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way," said Harry.  
"You know her?" Asked Ginny. She had known Harry since her first year of Hogwarts. She only knew about two women in his life: Hermione Weasley, their sister-in-law, and Cho Chang, a Ravenclaw witch who was a year older than Harry. But no one, not even Harry, talked about her anymore. Especially since she ratted them out to Umbridge for building Dumbledore's army. But this... this bordered not just on scary, but dubious.  
"Yes," said Harry, "I know her. But I was never around her."  
"Yes, u wer," said Ebony, "We wer in a band together. I was 1 of da witches in Dumblydum's army."  
"You were also the one who tried to grab me," said Harry, "Do _you_ remember that?"  
That caused Ebony to be silent for the first time in a while. "But," she started again, "u wanted me. U and Draco both. U fought over me. Even had sex wit each other."  
"We never did that!" Said Harry. Of all of the things he was said to have done, having an intimate relationship with Draco Malfoy was his least favorite of the rumors. He never understood what it was about him and Draco that led younger witches, wizards, and Muggles—principally witches and female Muggles—to fantasize about them as a couple. They hardly had anything in common with each other, and this was primarily true when it came to the validity of witches and wizards. Draco was a Pure Blood, and believed he and other Pure Bloods to be superior to witches and wizards who were either half-blood or Muggle-Born, like Hermione. This was not a philosophy Harry aligned himself with at all, and he certainly would've never seen himself becoming friends with someone who did uphold that viewpoint.  
"I never had that kind of relationship with Draco," said Harry, "and I knew he never had that kind of relationship with you."  
"Ur lying!" Yelled Ebony, "We wer all in da same house together!"  
"No, we weren't," said Harry, "Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Neville, and myself were in Gryffindor. Draco was in Slytherin. You were not in Slytherin."  
"Lies, u poser!" Yelled Ebony. Now the entire store turned their attention to her. This caused some embarrassment for Ginny.  
"Harry," said Ginny, "Let's just go. We can shop some other time."  
"Yes," said Harry, I don't know how you came back, Ebony, but I do not know: you won't stop looking for Draco. Do yourself a service: stop right now. There is no reason for you to disturb him or his son. Grow up. You should be an adult by now anyway."  
Harry and Ginny Potter left the store right then and there. Ebony stood still. At a loss for words. How could they say this to her? How could anyone? How can they not remember? But, maybe they were right. Maybe it was time to... move on? She ran out of the shop.  
Garfield, carrying a plastic bag full of clothing and a shoebox, and John Freeman walked around. They couldn't find Ebony anywhere. A figure ran past them at great speed. They recognized it as Ebony and followed her, matching her pace.  
They all reached the ship. Ebony ran up the walkway and into her cabin. She looked around and found a straight razor she pilfered from John Freeman. She slashed her wrists and lay down in bed.


	5. Chapter 5

The door was forced open, almost breaking the gears beyond repair. Garfield carried the unconscious Ebony out of her room, trailing blood from her slashed wrists along the way. John Freeman set up an operating table in the infirmary and got to work at once. They both had basic medical training, gleaned only from their expeditions to other worlds. But neither Garfield nor John Freeman had a medical license. Therefore, any form of medical practice should have landed them in federal prison by now. Fortunately, for them, it didn't. Their practice was always in private, and they never charged for their services. John freeman was insistent on that. He didn't want to find himself in jail before he could have a chance to locate his family again.  
"Garfield and John Freeman need to stop the bleeding at once," said John Freeman, "Quick, place Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way on the operating table and get John Freeman two tourniquets."  
Garfield raced to a cabinet and rooted around in it for a few seconds before finally coming up with two tourniquets. He hurried them to John Freeman, who wrapped them around Ebony's wrists.  
"What else should be done, medical man?" Asked Garfield.  
"Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way has lost quite a bit of blood," diagnosed John Freeman, "John Freeman thinks a blood transfusion is required to keep Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way from slipping into a coma, and dying."  
"I will offer my life-saving blood," said Garfield.  
"What's Garfield's blood type?"  
"The type that can save lives, and fill my love anacaonda _with_ much power for ladies."  
"That's not what John Freeman meant. What is Garfield's blood type? A positive? B positive? AB positive? O positive? A negative? B negative? AB negative? O negative? This is important because the blood type that doesn't match Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Way's blood type could lead to death. John Freeman will have to run some tests."  
"Save your tests for the examination room," said Garfield in a tone of voice meant to make himself sound wittier than he was in reality, "My blood type is savior of all bloodless women."  
"What about STD's?" Challenged John Freeman, "Garfield has been around. John Freeman doesn't know where exactly Garfield's 'love anaconda' has been."  
"Insults!" Thundered Garfield, "I always practice safe sex! I've given lectures about it. Now, hook me up to Ebony now! We are losing her faster than lasagna down my throat."  
Garfield didn't know, but what John Freeman learned was that his sexual escapades resulted in numerous progeny. Not all of them were good-looking, but they were his regardless. What John Freeman didn't understand, however, was that only three years ago, his exploits stopped producing children. He couldn't understand that at all, because Garfield never got a vasectomy (or neutered, because his sex drive was still strong), and if he did, he never said anything.  
"It's against John Freeman's better judgment," said John Freeman, "but please take a seat, and John Freeman will prepare Garfield."  
Garfield sat in a chair next to Ebony. Looking at her, he said, "Do not be worrying, Gothic princess, I'll save you both here and in bed."  
John Freeman got the needle and bag out and ready to go. He sat next to Garfield, who held out his right arm. A big vein showed in the crook of his elbow. John Freeman stuck the needle into the vein. A quick glance up at Garfield showed that the cat wasn't affected at all. No pain.  
"Please make a fist a few times," said John Freeman. Garfield made a fist, keeping it clenched. The bag instantly filled up with blood. John Freeman told him to release, withdrew the needle, patched Garfield up, and took the bag to Ebony.  
Ebony shot upright on the table. Wide-awake, as if from a nightmare. She looked around frantically. Her eyes spotted the blood bag in John Freeman's hand. She quickly snatched it out of his hand and tore off the hard plastic top with her teeth. She spat it out, and the plastic end ricocheted off of the wall and pelted Garfield's head. He jumped onto his feet and got in a fighting stance for whatever hit him. But nobody was around to challenge him. He turned to see John Freeman gawking. His attention moved to Ebony, and he understood: Ebony drank the contents of the bag so quickly that Garfield needed a moment to rub his eyes and watched closely. The bag drained dry, Ebony let it drop to the ground.  
"Ah..." sighed Ebony, her mouth crimson, "Needed dat." She finally noticed Garfield and John Freeman staring at her. "Wut da fu lokin at?" She asked.  
"Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way drank that entire bag of blood!" Said John Freeman.  
"Yeah," said Ebony, "Im a vampire after all."  
"Then how can you walk around in daylight?" Asked Garfield.  
"I dunno," said Ebony.  
"John Freeman must study Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way," said John Freeman, "This is the first time a vampire has entered the ship."  
"Yeah, I don think so," said Ebony, "Ma u-n-whut is reserved for only..." she fell silent, then jumped off of the table she wobbled for a little while, then regained balance. Both Garfield and John Freeman stood at attention ready to catch her.  
"Im fine," said Ebony, holding her tourniquetted hands out.  
"At least let John Freeman put some bandages on Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's wrists," offered John Freeman  
"Dey'll heel on der own," said Ebony. She walked out of the infirmary.  
"John Freeman thinks either John Freeman or Garfield should go check on Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."  
"I will go," said Garfield, "I gave her my blood, she is my responsibility." He walked out of the room.

Ebony laid down across the cot, looking up at the ceiling. Her thoughts wandered far away. Far back to her time at Hogwarts when she and Draco went to Hogsmeade to see and hear Good Charlotte play. This was before they became as big as they were in the 2000's and 2010's. Of course, Ebony wasn't there for that. She re-navigated her mind back to the Dark Forest—strictly forbidden to all students, as Professor Dumbledore told the first years—where she first made love to Draco. It was blissful having him inside of her, feeling every detail of him, her eyes staring into his sad and depressed eyes, knowing they both were thinking the exact same thing. This was what their passions were, and this was where they would stay: between the two of them, forever. This was a moment she went back to quite a bit, and every time she did her thoughts were interrupted by someone or something. The first intrusion was by Dumbledore, when he himself caught them before Draco could release inside of her, and chastised them for being in love. Now, it was the sound of rapping outside of her door.  
"Who is it?" Asked Ebony, annoyed.  
"It's just me," said Garfield.  
"Wut do u want?" Asked Ebony.  
"Can I come in?" Asked Garfield.  
"Sure."  
The door slid open, and Garfield entered. The door closed. "It's good to be seeing the door is still working," said Garfield.  
"Wut r u talkin about?" Asked Ebony.  
"I nearly broke it trying to get to you when you cut your wrists," explained Garfield.  
"Oh..." said Ebony. She sat up on the side of the bed. Garfield sat next to her.  
"What's the buzz?" Asked Garfield, "Tell me what's a-happenin'?"  
"I ran into a old friend today," started Ebony, "Or, I thought he was a friend. Now, he's just a poser. Anyway, he told me 2 leave Draco alone, an dat all I am is a nuisance to people. Is dat true? Am I nothing but a nuisance?"  
"You're no nuisance to us," said Garfield, "We saved you from permanent death. That should be telling you something."  
"I guess," said Ebony, not convinced.  
"I've been wanting to ask," said Garfield, "How did you end up underground in Hell?"  
"I dunno," said Ebony, "All I remember is gettin shot in da hart by Volfemort, an den I was in Hell takin of prep clothes. I don even no y I was in Hell. I dunno wut I did rong. All I evr wanted was Draco. All I evr wanted was 4 people to accept me 4 who I am. But dey nevr did. So I flipped dem of an yelled at dem. Maybe dat's why I wen 2 Hell. Well, dat an also Im a Satanist, so I guess it made sense. But y wud I experience dat? Nothing but prep clothing?"  
"I don't know," said Garfield, "But when I need to be thinking, I always got o the gym to workout. Why don't we try it out?"  
"I don think so."  
"Why not?"  
"Because jims r 4 preps an posers."  
"The only 'preps' I know is preparing to fight for truth, justice, and lasagna and ladies, and the only 'posers' I know is these posers." He flexed his muscles and created various other poses. Ebony watched, and even though it went against her better judgment as a Goth, a Satanist, a vampire, and a witch in the Slytherin House, she laughed. It was a good laugh. A release.  
"Alright," said Ebony, "Ill go 2 ur preppy jim."  
"First," said Garfield, "we need to get you some gym clothes. You can't be burning fat and calories wearing that." She pointed to her dress.  
"Do u have any in black?" Asked Ebony.

The gym wasn't anything fancy. But it did have weights that looked too heavy for humans to lift. Of course, Ebony didn't know because she never set foot in a gymnasium in her life. Hogwarts didn't have much of a physical education to boast of, outside of flying lessons. Quidditch was the only sport regularly played, and the Triwizard Tournament was revived and discontinued every 200-300 years due to the frequency in death among participants. Everyone in Ebony's class well remembered Cedric Diggory, who died at the hand of Lord Voldemort during the 1994-1995 Tournament. No one knew whether or not it would stay discontinued after that, but considering the unfortunate lapse in memory, it was likely to be revived again; and considering the current head of the Ministry of Magic, it may have been sooner than expected. Safety was not a primary concern for him in the abstract. He only cared about his base of loyal followers.  
"Those are women's weights over there," said Garfield, pointing to a rack of 500-pound hand weights. Although she had never set foot in a gymnasium, it still confused Ebony that Garfield would call these "women's weights." She never lifted anything heavier than a gun in her life. How did Garfield expect her to lift these ungodly things?  
"These are men's weights," said Garfield, pointing to the 10,000-pound weights, "Any questions?"  
"No," lied Ebony, "It seems easy 2 figure out." Ebony wore a sleeveless workout shirt and shorts. All of which were black, and black workout socks and shoes. Considering they rarely had female company for longer than a day, Garfield and John Freeman saw no reason to invest money into clothes for women. But Garfield had a plan, and it required buying workout clothes for Ebony while they were in London getting gas. He had to guess what size bra she would need. Judging by her dress, he guessed possibly an A cup would be fine. Miraculously, it was, and it was black, of course. But even though it all fit, she still didn't feel quite like herself. It wasn't just the fact that she was wearing workout clothes. It was something else. The feeling had grown stronger since waking up, and... drinking Garfield's blood.  
"Then let us begin," said Garfield.  
Garfield sat down on the workout bench and grabbed a 10,000-pound weight as easily as a Tupperware bowl. Ebony watched, unimpressed, and went to the rack to pick up a five-pound weight. She lifted it as easily as an empty suitcase.

_Dis is rather pathetic_, thought Ebony, _Here I am trying 2 show Garfield dat his view of women being weak is outdated an medieval, an Im scared of a 500 pound weight for Satan's sake. Geddit, coz Im a Satanist. I shud have super strength. I'm a vampire!  
_She soon realized, however, that she wasn't becoming tired. She was growing bored. She put down the weight, and moved to a 50-pound dumbbell. She picked it up. The weight worked against her at first, but she brought it back up. This was enjoyable. She grabbed the other dumbbell and worked out her arms with them. An exhilarating rush ran throughout her body. Her muscles burned from lactic acid forming in her arms. Sweat formed on her face and body, providing a coolant to the burn. Her heart thumped strongly against her left breast. She looked down and saw it bobbing in her shirt. All unique feelings never felt before, and all of them good. She watched Garfield the entire time. When he finished with his sets, so did she. While his shirtless body was only lightly matted with sweat, hers was drenched, like she had just gone swimming.  
"Are you okay?" Asked Garfield.  
"Yeah," said Ebony, "It's a lot of work, but I lik it."  
"I thought you would," said Garfield, "How about a cool down jog?"  
"Kay," said Ebony.

They jogged through the corridors of the ship and along the decks. At one point, they almost hit John Freeman. They both laughed. Finally, they stopped running and looked at each other for the longest time. Panting, sweating, smiling. They felt a tug in between themselves. Slowly, they moved toward each other's face. Ebony barely felt the whiskers from Garfield's upper lip touch her face. Before a result could take place, Ebony drew back.  
"I shud get a bath," said Ebony, and walked away. Garfield stared. Then Ebony turned back around. "Thank u," she said, and resumed her way.


	6. Chapter 6

"Garfield tried to do what?!" Exclaimed John Freeman.  
"It was meant to be, okay?" Replied Garfield defensively.  
"Garfield doesn't know that," said John Freeman, "besides, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is too young for Garfield."  
"How do you know that, Mr. Know-It-All?"  
"John Freeman read Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's file from the Hogwarts archives," explained John Freeman, "and John Freeman is telling Garfield, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is a basket case."  
"Basket of case?" Asked Garfield, "Ha! No such thing. She is lonely lady who happens to be a vampire."  
"That's the other thing," said John Freeman, "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is not a vampire."  
"What makes you so sure?" Asked Garfield defensively. It didn't make any sense that Ebony wouldn't be a vampire when they saw her drink a whole pint of Garfield's blood. What human girl did that? None of which Garfield knew.  
"According to Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's file," started John Freeman, "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way was cursed by a student from the Hufflepuff house named Susan Bones. Susan Bones told the Ministry of Magic that Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way had yelled at the students from the Hufflepuff house multiple times for being what Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way called 'preps.' Even though she herself was a student in the Hufflepuff house. After nothing was accomplished, and no full life consequences faced, Susan Bones cursed Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way out of spite. Susan Bones figured that if Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way wanted to be a Gothic vampire witch, then Ebony DarknNess Dementia Raven Way would get Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's wish"  
"What is this 'prep' that Ebony always speaks of?"  
"It is a term used to refer to people as 'normal,' or 'mainstream.' Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way often called all of the students and teachers 'preps' or 'posers.' That means a person who looks Gothic, but in reality isn't."  
"A liar."  
"When simply put, yes"  
"What happened to her?" Asked Garfield. "How did she end up in Hell?" This new information was over stimulating, even for Garfield. But he needed to know.  
"During the war at Hogwarts," began John Freeman, "when an evil wizard named Thomas Marvolo Riddle, who went by the name Lord Voldemort, and his Death Eaters attacked, the students and teachers fought back. Many were lost along the way, including Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. A Death Eater pulled a gun on Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way after Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way disarmed the Death Eater of the Death Eater's wand."  
After he was nearly knocked over by the two runners, John Freeman searched for Garfield and Ebony, and what he saw on the monitors prompted him to tell Garfield what he found out while he and Ebony were speaking in her quarters. Part of the discovery made him sad, because none of the students had fond memories of her, and a good number of them were glad she died in the manner of which she did. Another part of him felt extreme fear for his comrade, because what he also learned about the strange girl was that her obsession with Gothic fashion and a boy wizard named Draco Malfoy—with whom she never had a real relationship nor did she ever date—was due to borderline personality disorder, diagnosed post-mortem. Of Course, he knew many people with borderline personality disorder. None of them... at least, some of them... posed a threat to himself, his brother, or his family the way Ebony posed a threat to himself and Garfield. In fact, when it came to Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, they were dealing with a person who also may have had narcissism. Possibly, sociopathy. All warning signs.  
"So, what's your point, doctor man?" Asked Garfield.  
"John Freeman's point," began John Freeman, "is John Freeman and Garfield should think about possibly putting Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way in a psychiatric hospital, because Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way can't stay on this ship."  
"You can't be serious," said Garfield, "She has nowhere else to go. No one else to turn to."  
"That is no longer Garfield or John Freeman's concern," said John Freeman, "That's really up to the country of England to decide."  
"We aren't putting her in a nutty house!"  
"Garfield and John Freeman have to! Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way isn't the responsibility of Garfield and John Freeman."  
"Yes, she is! We rescued her! We have duties to protect all people. Especially sexy ladies."  
"What is it with Garfield and sexy ladies? And why is Garfield suddenly so protective of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way?"  
"Because..." Garfield faltered. He had never felt this way before, so how could he say it out loud? Especially knowing what would follow.  
"Because?" Echoed John Freeman.  
"Because I love her!" Yelled Garfield, throwing all caution to the wind.  
The silence that took hold couldn't have been called deafening. There wasn't any clever way to describe this particular silence, but it was there, and it broke when John Freeman doubled over laughing. This was what Garfield expected.  
"Garfield—loves—Ebony—Dark-ness—Dementia—Raven—Way?!" Laughed John Freeman uproariously.  
"Yes!" Replied Garfield sincerely, "Is that a problem?"  
"Yes!" Said John Freeman, "For one, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is incapable of loving anyone. But, Garfield doesn't love Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way either. Garfield just wants to have sexual intercourse with Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."  
"How dare you!?"  
"Garfield, come to Garfield's senses! When has Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way shown any signs of affection and caring toward Garfield or John Freeman?"  
"You know not of what you are speaking! You're just jealous because I found someone and you're still being hung up on your wife and son!"  
Instantly, John Freeman stopped laughing. Garfield had been known to say some inappropriate things from one time to another, but this? This crossed the line from inappropriate to downright cruel. Garfield knew it, and saw that he couldn't take it back.  
"John," said Garfield, "I am being so sorry."  
John Freeman didn't say another word. Instead, he turned around and walked away. Garfield stood in the corridor of the ship, motionless. He knew what he had to do.

Ebony sat in the cockpit, listening to Good Charlotte play from the computer. This took her back to Hogwarts instantly. She didn't notice the door behind her open, or Garfield entering.  
"Ebony?" Asked Garfield.  
No reply. Garfield reached to the computer and turned off the music. Immediately, Ebony returned to the current realm of existence.  
"Wut da fuk, u orange prep?" Asked Ebony.  
"I need to talk to you," said Garfield.  
"Wut about?" Asked Ebony. She noticed that he didn't have the normal look of superiority or calmness he usually carried. This time, he looked like he was troubled. "Wuts rong?" Asked Ebony, "Is it about wut happned earlier? Bcuz Im sory about dat. I dint mean 2—"  
"It's not that," started Garfield, "It's just some questions for asking."  
"Wut do u wanna no?"  
"About your time at Hogwarts."  
"Oh, lemme tel u about dat," said Ebony excitedly, "Dere were so many preps dat I thot I wuz in da rong school. But after I met Draco, it got easier. But for some reason, I cud nevr say anything. I was focuzed on ma studies. I no dat I had only 1 chance 2 prove maself 2 ma parents. Dey were both Hogwarts students, n I dint wanna let dem down. But after ma 7 year started, I wen into da Forbidden Forest on a dare. A vampire found me n bit me. I was on da verge of death and den he let me drink from his chest. It tasted gross. But den I fell asleep. Den I woke up, n I became a vampire. From den on, I pursued Draco wit a passion. We had a relationship lik no other, and no one understood it. I wish dey did."  
"Then how do you explain this?" Asked Garfield. He placed a packet in front of her. She picked it up and read it. Before reaching the halfway point, she put it down and started intensively at Garfield.  
"Where did u find dis?" Demanded Ebony.  
"John Freeman found it after he saw you drink my blood," said Garfield, "Why are you telling me different things from what this says?"  
"Dese r lies," said Ebony.  
"Are they?" Asked Garfield, "Then why are there multiple articles within that packet that support this?"  
"Its fake. Its all fake."  
"No, you're the fake. We must drop you off to the United Kingdom."  
"Y?"  
"No 'buts!'" Yelled Garfield, "Buts are for grabbing, spanking, shitting, and farting! Get off of the ship!"  
"Wut r u gonna do? Just toss me out? I'll probably break ma nek."  
"Vampires don't break necks. They suck on them."  
"U no, u may be tough n strong, but u got da brain of a mandrake!"  
"That's it!" Thundered Garfield. He grabbed Ebony by the cellar and dragged her through the ship. She kicked and punched and let out a string of obscenities that would make the old man from _A Christmas Story_ blush. He reached the emergency exit door and opened it. Instantly, the alarm went off throughout the ship. Both Garfield and Ebony looked down at the ocean. A cruise liner sailed beneath them. Garfield held Ebony out above the ship. Her hair and clothing blew in the wind. She looked down in utter fright.  
"Happy landing, evil woman!" Yelled Garfield.  
"Don't do it, Garfield!" Screamed John Freeman. He had just arrived as soon as he heard the alarm and a voice repeatedly saying "Emergency Exit Door Ajar."  
"This is evil woman," said Garfield, "I'm sending her to Davy Jones' locker!"  
"No," said John Freeman, "Garfield and John Freeman are better than that. If Garfield throws Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way off of the ship and to Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's death, then Garfield is no better than Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way or any other evil force that Garfield and John Freeman have faced."  
Garfield hesitated. His strange-speaking friend had a valid point. His oath was to never kill unless the threat wanted death or killed in turn. Truth be told, even though Ebony did threaten them, she never followed through, and even went so far as to help them. Her only flaw was being irritating. He gently placed her back onto the deck and closed the emergency exit door. The ship became quiet. He let her back onto the ship.  
"I dunno wut da fuk dat was all about," said Ebony, "but u guys r fuking strange."  
'Garfield and John Freeman are landing the ship," said John Freeman, "and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is on Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way's own."  
"Y?" Asked Ebony, "Wut did I do?"  
"That is for the country of England to decide," said John Freeman. He left for the cockpit. Garfield took a moment to stare at Ebony before leaving her alone with her questions.

The ship landed in the middle of Piccadilly Circus. All of the residents stopped and stared. The walkway lowered and Ebony was thrown down. The walkway closed before she could run back to the vessel. She screamed as the ship left. Giving up, she stared at everyone looking at her.  
"Wut da fuk r _u_ lookin at?!" Screamed Ebony, lifting her middle finger up at them, "Havent u ever seen a goffick vampire before?!"  
"Ebony?"  
She knew that voice.  
She turned around and saw him. He had hardly changed. His hair was still light, his complexion still pale, and his eyes still depressed. But he looked older. That was to be expected. But the very sight of him still made her knees turn to jelly, her skin heat up in an instant, and her heart beat like a runaway locomotive.  
"Draco?" She ventured a guess.  
Draco ran to her and looked her up and down. How was this possible? There was no spell for resurrecting the dead. At least, none that he was taught. Yes, there was an elixir of life, but that was gone when Dumbledore and his friend, famed alchemist Nicholas Flamel, destroyed the Philosopher's Stone. There had been other experiments in resurrection, but none proved successful. So, how did she return?  
The bobbies arrived to wonder what caused the commotion. "What is the meaning of all this, then?" Asked one of the bobbies.  
"It's alright, officers," said Draco, "she's my... niece. She forgot to take her medication today."  
"Wut fuking medication?!" Yelled Ebony.  
"Just play along," said Draco quietly to her, then out loud, "Your special happy pills. Remember?"  
"Are you her legal guardian?" Asked the bobby.  
"No," said Draco, "but she's spending the weekend with me and my son while her parents are on holiday."  
"Make sure she causes no more fuss, and that she continues her medication."  
"Yes, officer."  
"Alright," said the bobby to the spectators, "Nothing to see here. Back to your business."  
The spectators scattered about the area. Draco looked at Ebony. "How did you come back?" He asked.  
"A hole let me out of Hell," said Ebony, "but now Im here, n we can be togedder. Forever. Lik we always talked about." She moved to put her arms around him and kiss him, but Draco backed away.  
"Wut?" Asked Ebony, "Wut's rong?"  
"We can't be together."  
"Y nut?"  
"Because I don't love you."  
"Wut?"  
"I'm not attracted to you."  
"So, ur bak wit Vampire, I take it?"  
"Vampire? What are you talking about?"  
"Vampire Potter! Da poser who lived!"  
"Oh, Potter! No, I'm not. I never was." Even he never understood why everyone had to ship him and Harry together.  
"But u wer. U have his tattoo on ur arm!"  
"A tattoo on my—"  
Before he could protest, Ebony grabbed Draco's arm and pulled up the sleeve of his shirt. If she expected to see skin art, there was none. Only pure, unaltered flesh.  
"But it wuz dere!" Said Ebonuy, "It was a black heart wit an arow threw it! Da word 'Vampire' was written in bloody goffick handwriting!"  
"Ebony," began Draco, "I don't know where you got the idea that we were together, but it's simply not true. Do you even knew what I had to go through? Constantly having to tell people the truth? It drove me mad! You drove everyone mad. But you persisted."  
"But -" said Ebony, bloody tears streaming down her cheeks, "but Draco! We wen 2 Hogsmeade togedder. We moshed to Good Charlotte. We had sex. Faced Vlodemort. Dont u rember any of dat?"  
"Ebony," said Draco as kindly as he was able to manage, "Tara. It's time to grow up. Let go."  
Ebony backed away from Draco, looking him up and down. How could he say these things? How could he be so... cruel? And why did he call her Tara? No one except her parents called her that. Then she realized. This wasn't the dark, depressed Gothic boy in the Slytherin house that she felt in love with over twenty years ago. She no longer recognized him at all. There was only one explanation for this. She withdrew her wand.  
"What are you doing, Tara?" Asked Draco.  
"Ur under a spell from Lord Vloxemort," said Ebony, "and Im gonna get u out of it."  
"Voldemort is dead," said Draco, "and his Death Eaters went into exile."  
"_Cursius endus_," said Ebony waving her wand. A black ball shot out and hit DRaco. But he didn't move. Nor did his expression change.  
"You still have that wand Ollivander made for you?" Asked Draco, smiling.  
Ebony stared at him once again. She turned her back to him.  
"Do you need me to take you somewhere?" asked Draco. He knew of a couple of houses that would accept witches like her: those in need of sanctuary.  
"Leave me alone," said Ebony quietly. Sensing him still behind her, she screamed, "Get da fuk away from me!"  
Draco took his leave. Ebony stood in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, watching everyone around her: couples kissing and groping, people on odd-looking devices, and kids waddling along with their guardians. All of them were strange to her. Then, it hit her. It wasn't them that didn't belong. It was her. She didn't belong at all.  
"I don't have a friend in da world," she said sadly, "Maybe I was better off in Hell."  
She walked around the square, looking for a gun shop.


	7. Chapter 7

"Maybe I was better off in Hell."  
Those words along rang throughout Hell like a signal warning of an impending hurricane. The imps got themselves ready to receive their new guest, which happened to be a returning tenant. They missed her. Oh, how they missed her. Missed her torment at wearing the clothes Lucifer assigned for her, and how she colored their world with her language. Most of all, they missed her body. Every now and then, when the mood caught them right at the precise moment, they would use her body for whatever their desires called for, even if it meant making a hole, which they did. Sometimes in the same place over and over again. One imp loved to make a hole in her heart. Of course, he had to use a little magic to get it beating so that his pleasure was maximized. Sometimes, he would get it to pump faster so that it snapped around his cock. The orgasm was always intense, and the burning semen in her heart chambers was excruciating, and always lasted for too long, but it eventually went away.  
But there was one part of her body that they never touched: he womanhood and everything that followed. All of her reproductive organs were forbidden to all except the fallen angel himself. So it was written in Hell, so it was law in Hell.  
But it wasn't just Ebony who was used. Remember, Hell was host to many. One of those was a giant dog being penetrated from behind by Lucifer. It was a rather unfortunate thing to become a sex slave to a giant red demon the size of a professional center for an NBA team. But for Odie, it was worse than anything he had ever come across in his life. He realized that Garfield's obsession with lasagna was more tolerable, and more pleasing, than having a nine-inch long demon dick shoved up his rectum for a thousand some odd years. The worst part was he was never offered any ointment for the tears. They may have automatically healed, but it would have been nice to have some quick earthly relief from the pain. Such was the condition of being Hell.  
The phrase "Maybe I was better off in Hell" found its way to the ears of the Prince of Darkness. He stopped thrusting, pulled out, and left Odie to catch his breath and endure the pain.  
"That is my music," said Lucifer, "She's coming back." He turned to Odie. "You're about to witness what happens when one of our own escapes."  
Odie's ears perked up. "Escapes?" He must have been talking about that girl that left him here to experience this unbearable torture. This was the chance he'd been waiting for, and he was going to take it.  
"Mr. Lucifer," said Odie, "Permission to speak, O Dark Prince?"  
"Permission granted," said Lucifer.  
"You won't believe it," said Odie, "but I was put here by accident."  
"Really?" Lucifer raised an eyebrow, "According to your file, your crimes included identity theft, invading a public school, forcing someone to choose who to save and who to allow perish, mass murder, torture, acts of terrorism, imprisoning women, attempting rape, and slavery. It sounds to me like you're a shoe-in for the fires of Hell."  
"Some of those were out of control and taken out of context," started Odie, but he stopped when he saw Lucifer staring at him. He knew that wouldn't work, because Lucifer had an ability to look into the heart of an inhabitant and see the truth. He started again, "Okay, I admit, I'm not a good dog. But, look, do you really want to spend an eternity ass-fucking me? I offer nothing in the bedroom. Like you said, I had to attempt rape in order to get laid. But, what she has to offer in bed... now there's something to consider."  
"I've had her multiple times. What's your point?"  
"My point is," began Odie like he was pitching a sale, "what I have to offer to you is more valuable to you than my asshole."  
"And what is t hat?" Asked Lucifer skeptically. He had heard this phrase multiple times, so he was used to hearing the worst possible deals this side of Trump Tower. Besides, he quite liked Odie's asshole: it was tight, and always partially prolapsed whenever he pulled out. Still, he had to give him a fair shot. It was the least he could do for his canine fleshlight.  
"My enemy Garfield," said Odie, "Look at his file and tell me he's no different than I am. Beyond that, he uses a time machine built within his ship to go to various places and periods. Let me get that for you, and you can use it to alter the past for the betterment of your future. With me as your right hand man. I know all of Garfield's techniques and tricks. I know how he thinks. Hell, he doesn't even know that it was me that rendered him infertile one night. He's an idiot. You'll defeat him easily."  
"And where does the girl fit into it?" Asked Lucifer.  
"However you see fit," said Odie, "Make her your bride, get her pregnant with more imps, I don't care. It'd be hilarious anyway to watch her own brood fuck her in the heart like they talk about doing. But I don't want her."  
"You know what you are?"  
"What?"  
"You're a calculating, cold-blooded sociopath. You belonged on that episode of Dr. Phil where you pulled his moustache off and made him eat it. But if you deliver on all of these promises, I'll get you a desk next to mine."  
"Then it's a deal?"  
Odie held out his hand. Lucifer immediately took it. It burned, but Odie didn't mind. They had work to do."

Ebony entered the gun shop. The owner—a big guy—stood behind the counter. He saw her, and smiled.  
"How may I help you?" He asked.  
"I wanna gun," said Ebony.  
"Well," he began, "what kind would you like?"  
"A gun," said Ebony, "one dat has a bazillion bullets n is black n goffick."  
"First of all, no firearm holds 'a bazillion' bullets, Second of all, are you looking to buy an air rifle or something else?"  
"Da kin u put in ur fuking poket!" Said Ebony, getting irritated. Seriously, was this prep an idiot? A gun was a gun, and that was that.  
"I'm sorry," said the gun owner," we don't sell handguns."  
"Y nut?" Asked Ebony.  
"They are illegal," explained the gun store owner.  
"Wut kin of fuking cuntry is dis?!" Screamed Ebony,  
"America lets u by 1!"  
"Well, not here. We value life a little more than they do."  
"Oh, fuk dis!" said Ebony, and she exited the store.  
Ebony continued her way down the street. The earth shook under her feet. Other Britons felt the same thing. They didn't know what to do. It was strange and frightening, and became increasingly so when a fissure formed in the ground and widened. They screamed and ran in different directions. The crack started from across the street and ended just where Ebony stood. She stared, knowing what would emerge.  
Two figures surfaced from the fires raging from the fissure in the ground: a big red monster that looked like a man, and the same creature she saw when she escaped.  
"Hello, Ebony," said Lucifer, "are you ready to return to Hell?"  
"Wutevr," Ebony shrugged.  
That stopped Lucifer in his tracks. He wasn't used to that reaction. He loved fear. Thrived on it, really. It excited him. To see a victim not show any fear took the fun out of the entire process of taking them to Hell.  
"Wait a minute..." said Lucifer, "this isn't right."  
"What are you waiting for?" Asked Odie, "Take her."  
"No," said Lucifer, "she needs to be scared."  
"Who cares? Just take her and be done with it."  
"Odie, there's a process to all of this..."  
"Man, fuck the process!"  
"Look, I'm the Prince of Darkness. I have a way of doing things that works for me."  
The sound of a ship landing on the ground caught their attention. The walkway lowered and John Freeman and Garfield ran out, Desert Eagles ready.  
"Now look!" Said Odie, pointing, "He's here. Our plan can be put in place."  
"Odie," said Garfield, "nice to be seeing you again. Now I can be making sure that you're staying in Hell where you belong."  
"Go ahead and kill him!" Screamed Odie to Lucifer.  
"Don't scream at me," said Lucifer, "I get very nervous when you yell. And besides, you haven't seen all of the tricks up my sleeve..."  
He snapped his fingers and a series of imps rushed out of the fires of Hell. John Freeman, Garfield, and now Ebony found themselves cornered by them. John Freeman shot a few, as did Garfield. Ebony pulled out her wand and fired orbs of light at imps around her. A flock do-piled onto Garfield, but he forced them off with his arms, backhanding a couple into unconsciousness, and head-butting others back to Hell. He turned and saw Ebony cornered. He ran to her, punching imps into the air, and looked her up and down.  
"Are you okay?" Asked Garfield.  
"Y do u care?" Asked Ebony.  
"Because I love you," said Garfield.  
Ebony looked at Garfield, shocked. More imps descended upon them. John Freeman pushed a button on his belt. His Harley Davidson rolled out of the ship. John Freeman jumped into the seat and rode through the horde, seizing imps with a katana. He popped wheelies and landed on imps' heads. He stopped before Garfield and Ebony.  
"Nice to see Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way again," said John Freeman. He continued through the swarm.  
"Excuse me," said Ebony to Garfield, "bu here agin?" She fired an orb at an imp.  
"I love you," repeated Garfield, backhanding an imp.  
"Den y did u throw me out?" She asked. Another orb was launched from her wand.  
"I made a mistake," said Garfield, and find three bullets through three lines of imps, "I should have been knowing better."  
"Wut changed ur mind?" Asked Ebony, firing three orbs at three imps.  
"Well, for starting uppers," said Garfield, kicking an imp multiple times, then spin-kicking its head clean from its neck, "I still owe you that kiss."  
"Garfield, John Freeman, and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way are outnumbered!" Screamed John Freeman.  
Indeed they were: for every imp that was defeated, three more imps came out. John Freeman, Garfield, and Ebony were up against the wall of the gun shop.  
"Garfield," said Ebony.  
"Yes?" Asked Garfield. It was nice for Ebony to refer to him by his real name rather than being called a "prep."  
"Dat belt buckle," said Ebony, "Press it."  
"Oh, yes," said Garfield, and he pressed the button on his belt buckle. A jet roared onto the scene, bearing down on the imps.  
"What is this?" Asked Lucifer.  
"Oh, shit," said Odie.  
"AMAKOOOO!" Yelled a voice through the speaker of the jet. Following that was the Guns N Roses song "Welcome to the Jungle." A machine gun lowered from the jet and fired on the imps. The jet swooped down to the ground and back up into the air. It made a U-turn and returned to firing on the imps. This action was repeated a few times.  
Taking the momentum given to them by the mysterious stranger, Garfield burst back onto the scene, firing away at the imps and roundhouse-kicking them. Ebony fired more orbs from her wand. John Freeman continued slicing away and popping wheelies onto imps. A cloud of dust rose, covering the battlefield. Lucifer and Odie couldn't see what was happening. Ebony shot an orb at an imp. This created a hole in the dust, giving her a view of Lucifer.  
Ebony remembered full well the multitude of times Lucifer raped her. She could remember feeling his sperm slithering inside of her, and having to go through the dehumanizing process of giving birth to the very imps that would, in turn, rape her. How she hated him for that. How she wanted to get back at him, and now with a renewed sense of purpose, she could. The only problem was the line of imps blocking her path.  
She continued firing orbs at the imps, and when one of them fell down, she took the opportunity to step onto its head and use the heads of other imps as stepping-stones toward Lucifer. All the while, firing orbs at imps that attempted to stop her.  
"Hey, asshole!" She yelled at Lucifer, and with one quick motion, she shot an orb at his exposed penis. The appendage blew off instantly. Lucifer looked down and screamed in pain. Ebony shot two more orbs, exploding both of his testicles. He fell onto his knees, clutching his crotch.  
The imps froze in place. After three seconds, they disintegrated and blew away into the wind. The music ceased. The dust cleared. The jet landed and its engine shut off. Ebony, Garfield, and John Freeman stood in fighting stance: Garfield holding his Desert Eagle, John Freeman on his Harley Davidson, and Ebony crouched on the ground. All of them panted, and sweated.  
The pilot exited the jet and removed his helmet. He was a man with short brown hair and a wild look in his eye.  
"Thank you, Jon Arbuckle," said Garfield, "You helped save the day."  
"No problem, good friend," said Jon Arbuckle. He climbed back into the jet and took off.  
"Care to explain that?" Asked Lucifer to Odie. He was still on the ground clutching his disfigured crotch.  
"I keep forgetting about him," said Odie.  
"The deal's off," said Lucifer, "You're coming back with me." He dragged Odie down, kicking and screaming.  
"Hey, Odie!" Said Garfield, pointing his Desert Eagle, "This is for rendering me infertile." He shot Odie in the shoulder. The dog screamed in pain as the hole closed up above him.  
The Britons came back out and looked at the three strange heroes. They cheered. Draco was among them. He approached Ebony. "You were brave," he said, "Thank you."  
"Ur welcome," said Ebony, "Now, I think I can let u go."  
"Really?" Asked Draco, "Why the change of mind?"  
"Change of heart," said Ebony, "Wut I did 2 u, 2 Vampire... Harry, B'loody... Hermione, Diab... Ron. It was rong. I shud have fought beside u all when it counted most. I could've done more. Now's my chance 2 do dat. Gudbye, Draco. Ill never forgit u." She hugged Draco for the last time, and turned to her new friends. "Let's go," she said.  
As they headed to the ship, Draco realized something.  
"Wait a minute..." said Draco, "and he pointed to Garfield, "I remember you!"  
Ebony, Garfield, and John Freeman turned around.  
"You!" Yelled Draco.  
"Me?" Asked Garfield.  
"Yes, you!" Yelled Draco, "You shot me!"  
"Wut?' Asked Ebony, equally shocked.  
"Yes!" Said Draco.  
"Wizard-boy," said Garfield, "I've shot a lot of people. After a while, it all blurs."  
"John Freeman concurs," said John Freeman, "Garfield has shot many different people. Not even John Freeman can remember it all.  
"You did!" screamed Draco, "You had a shot gun on your leg and you bloody shot me in the shoulder! I spent a month in the hospital wing trying to get all of that out. Madame Pomfrey said she'd never seen anything like it!"  
"Oh, yeah," said Garfield, finally remembered, "Now I'm remembering."  
"Garfield!" Screamed Ebony, "We r gonna have a talk right now!"  
"I'm being in trouble," said Garfield.


	8. Chapter 8

The ship sailed through space on autopilot. The inhabitants inside went about their duties: John Freeman on the computer, writing code, and Garfield and Ebony in the recreational area. This time, Ebony lifted heavier weights, her arms slowly but surely building muscle.  
"How's it going, sugar-butt?" Asked Garfield, smiling.  
"Dont call me dat," smirked Ebony, "or Ill render u importent."  
"Very well," said Garfield, "but what's riding through your head like a rampaging buffalo herd?"  
"U n ur metaphors," said Ebony. They had been together on this ship now for three months since the Piccadilly Circus incident, and since then Garfield noticed a change in Ebony. "It's just," began Ebony, "I spent ma hole lif wantin 1 man, n never spent tim on maself. Nevr found out who I am. Never found out who truly was rite 4 me."  
"Well," said Garfield slyly, "you can always begin here."  
It always got on her nerves when Garfield hit on her like that, and it always gave Ebony a supreme thrill to be the cock-block. But after three months spent saving so many lives across the universe... "Do u wanna stick ur thingy in ma u-no-wut here?" Asked Ebony, "or shall we retire 2 a more privet area?"  
"Follow me, my Gothic queen," said Garfield, "and I'll show you why I'm the king in the bedroom."

Of course it was a bedroom. Garfield had it especially designed for moments like this. It had everything: a heart-shaped bed with a red comforter and "his" and "hers" pillows. A candelabrum stood directly across from the foot of the bed, still showing evidence of many nights of "lovings." There was a radio from the 1990's sitting close by the bed.  
Garfield and Ebony entered. Garfield led her to the bed, allowing her to sit down. He walked to the radio and grabbed a CD entitled "Best Love Songs from the 70s, 80s, and 90s." Ebony saw it.  
"'Best Love Songs from the 70s, 80s, and 90s?'" asked Ebony, "I never new a CD lik dat existed."  
"There is no other in existence," said Garfield, "I had it especially made for lovings like this."  
"U mak CDs?" Asked Ebony.  
"Sometimes."  
"Y din't u tell me before?"  
"You never asked."  
"Wud u mak 1 4 me?"  
"Sure, sweet thing. What would you like to be having on it?"  
"Can it be goffick songs?"  
"Yes."  
"MCR? Good Charlotte?"  
"Yes."  
"Oh mi Satin. Geddit? Coz Im goffick. Ur hotter now."  
"I know, babycakes."  
"Put ur man-thingy in ma lady-thingy rite now!"  
"Get ready, because I'm going to be riding you like a wild stallion in the Cimarron."  
Garfield pressed the radio's play button and the music began. He walked to the wax-encrusted candelabrum and lit the candles. He turned down the lights. The mood was set. Garfield took off his shirt. Ebony looked him up and down. She reached out and touched his body. They kissed. Slowly, Ebony took off her top, exposing her flat chest. Garfield licked her up and down. She shivered. Garfield took off his pants, and his love anaconda sprang free. Before this moment, Garfield decided to go to a space doctor to get his tubes reattached. It was an expensive surgery, but they made it through. He developed a limp afterward, but fought through it in spite of much pain and suffering. He knew it was worth it, because he knew whom he wanted to receive his seed.  
Ebony's eyes widened at the sight of Garfield's manhood. She took her dress off, and was completely naked. She spread her strong legs apart, exposing her freshly shaven womanhood. Garfield climbed onto the bed and hovered over Ebony. He thrust into her. She gasped loudly. He kept thrusting, slowly at first, and then faster and faster. Ebony yelped with every thrust. Granted it wasn't her first time, and she was devastated to know that her first time wasn't with Draco like she wanted it to be. Yes, she was raped multiple times by Lucifer, and gave birth to imps that liked to fuck her chest. However, her mind returned to Draco, and she realized that the one she loved was never Draco. He was a crush; an infatuation. The one she loved was right here, inside of her right now. That caused an orgasm that rocked through her body like an earthquake. Garfield himself experienced many orgasms in his life. Some of them terrible. Others were pretty good. But this was the best. He felt every drop of his climax leave his testicles and enter her cervix. They grew still, shaking. Staring at each other. They kissed.  
"I luv u," said Ebony.  
"I love you," said Garfield.

The monitor in the cockpit showed the post-coital romance between Garfield and Ebony. Magic. It was pure magic, and it was all witnessed by John Freeman. He sat in the pilot's seat, his pants around his ankles. He had a look of pure ecstasy on his face.  
"Nicely done, John Freeman's wife," said John Freeman, "and nicely done, Garfield and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."  
A woman emerged from between his legs, wiping some residue from the side of her mouth.  
"Is John Freeman sure that Garfield and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way don't know that John Freeman and John Freeman's wife are watching?"  
"Don't worry," John Freeman assured her, "As long as Garfield and Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way never ask, John Freeman and John Freeman's wife will never tell."

THE END


End file.
